ankhst | Merry meet and merry part and merry meet again

Well after a very slow day at work, I rished home to get ready for the Pagana Gathering Lantern making class I was hosting. I ran around like a headless chook making sure everything was ready on time but then no one turned up. Leon and Storm finally arrived around 7, but that was it. So I made 11 lanterns myself ready for the festival, so at least that won't be a definite loss.

I'm beginning to think that this flat is jinxed in some way, people just don't come over, even when they say they will.

I had a bit of a realisation last night as I was trying to go to sleep. My dad has taken the concept of living in the now to entirely new levels...If he's faced with a problem (or even something good) he can't look at what caused it (in order to prevent or ensure a reoccurance), he can only look at what to do with it now. Sure, being able to solve the problem without dwelling on the past is a good thing, but that inability to see causality is exactly why his life goes nowhere...he never changes his patterns.

I realised this when dwelling on the past...I was thinking about his comment that we should go mountain biking. This was in responce to me complaining that his family dinners were costing me at w.w. On mulling this over for the hundreth time that night I realised that in every situation like this (I complain about something, or he complains about something) there is never any acceptance of the contribution of events leading up to the it. Its like living in 'Red Dwarf's Backwards reality where you can only remember the future.

The other thing I came up with was a series of questions for my family and friends. I've seen dozens of quizzes that you send to your friends to fill out with information about themselves. What I would like to design and send is a list of questions about me for people to fill in so that I can see how well they think they know me versus how well they actually do.

This came from another of my issues - that of being miss understood by the people around me.

I know that a lot of the people in my social group (dare I hazard to call them friends?) think of me as aloof, alienating, arrogant etc. The problem is that the behaviours that they take as being signs of these character flaws are infact defence mechanisms of someone who is painfully shy, paranoid, with low self esteem and is so afraid of rejection and scorn that she won't risk showing herself. Considering that most of the people who I hang out with have at one time or another declared themselves to be much the same it surprises me that they don't recognise it in me...maybe they're full of it themselves.

It has taken me years to acknlowledge to myself that I am intelligent, infact I'm very smart (IQ in the 150s) but I do know that I'm still somewhat clueless. I still can't think of myself as being attractive and it blows me away thay other people see me that way. I don't consider myself to be especially talented in any area, apparently I'm a good singer but I don't think my voice is anything special either.

You see, even when I talk myself up, its more to make ME believe it than anyone else. One day it might just work.